Love Pill Panic
by KaraOhki
Summary: My take on what happens when Happosai decides to use the love pills in the bracelet he stole from the Amazons.


Love Pill Panic

A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic by June "KaraOhki" Geraci

July 30, 2000

Ranma 1/2 was created by Rumiko Takahashi and belongs to her. I'm just borrowing her characters for a little while.

Cologne's expression was extremely worried as she looked at Shampoo, Akane, and Ranma.

"You must get that bracelet away from Happosai; otherwise our lives will be a living hell."

"Why, Great-Grandmother?"

"You saw the three stones in the bracelet? They are not stones, but pills. Love pills."

Ranma backed up a step. "L-love pills?"

"Yes, Son-in-Law. Whoever takes one of those pills falls instantly in love with the next person of the opposite sex he or she sees."

Her audience grew pale.

"One pill lasts an instant-a minute or two at the most. The effect of the second pill lasts about a day. It's the third pill you should fear the most-the effect lasts a lifetime."

A rustling in the corner caught the attention of all four of them. "I heard that, I heard that!" Happosai cackled as he shed his penguin costume and leaped out of the window before anyone could stop him.

* * *

Cologne and the three young people with her held a council of war.

"We must find Happosai and take the bracelet from him. I'm counting on you!"

"Yeah, but how are we gonna find him?" asked Ranma. "The beach is full of girls. How are we supposed to know which one he's gonna pick?"

"But aren't you his favorite target?" asked Akane.

Cologne couldn't help but smile. "We may be able to use that to our advantage."

"Oh, yuck. You are NOT getting me into a bikini for that old perv to grope. NO WAY!"

SPLASH!

"You'll want to once you swallow this pill, cutie! Open up and say AAH!"

Girl-type Ranma backed away from Happosai, who was holding the pill in one hand and a nearly non-existent bikini in the other. "Get away from me!"

Akane ran across the room for a teakettle, while Shampoo advanced on Happosai.

"Give bracelet back! Is Amazon treasure, not for old man!"

Happosai stopped in his tracks.

"Oh, what bounty! The lovely Ranma, the exotic Shampoo, and the beautiful Akane! Three pretty ladies, and three pills! Now, who should get the lifetime pill? Oh, but which is which?"

Happosai dropped the bikini and pulled the other two pills from the bracelet, holding all three in the palm of his hand. As far as he could tell, they all looked exactly alike.

Ranma stared at the pills in the old man's hand. Now was the perfect opportunity to grab them. She leaped forward as Shampoo jumped on Happosai from the side, and Akane flew forward with the steaming kettle. Then Cologne leaped into the middle of the mass of bodies.

"OWWW! HOT! Urk!"

"Give Shampoo pills!"

"Ranma, are you all-"

"Give those to me, Hap-"

The old man peeled his face from the floor and looked up. Shampoo was in a heap on the floor a few feet away, and Cologne was sitting beside her great-granddaughter. However, Cologne wasn't paying any attention to Shampoo. Instead, she was gazing intently at him. Happosai looked away from Cologne to Ranma and Akane, who were staring into each other's eyes as if they had never seen each other before.

"I love you, Ranma!"

"I love you too!"

Then Happosai's face crumpled as Ranma grabbed his fiancee and initiated liplock. He didn't have much time to mourn the situation, however, because he was suddenly enclosed in the biggest glomp he had ever experienced.

"Happi, I love you! I've ALWAYS loved you!"

"AIEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Happosai tore himself from Cologne's embrace. Seconds later, Cologne followed him through a Happosai-shaped hole in the wall and they disappeared over the horizon. Behind them a plaintive voice followed.

"Great-Grandmother! Stop! No chase Happosai! Help Shampoo cure Ranma!"

* * *

Ranma and Akane were still attached at the lips when two more holes appeared in the wall of the hotel room. Genma and Soun were carrying their suitcases, and totally out of breath.

"I know I packed everything, old friend. Hurry, before we run out of time!"

60 seconds remaining...

A cloud of dust surrounded Ranma and Akane, totally obscuring them from the view of Kasumi and Nabiki, who had run in behind their father. When the dust settled, Ranma was in a tuxedo, while Akane wore a white wedding gown.

45 seconds...

"Son, you love Akane, don't you?"

"You bet, Pop!"

"Akane, you love Ranma?"

"Yes, Daddy!"

"Good! If the two of you would just complete this form..."

Soun pulled a Marriage Certificate out of his pocket. It was conveniently filled in with the proper names, and all that was missing were the seals of the bride and groom. Soun dug into his other pocket, coming up with his daughter's hanko. Genma had already given Ranma his seal, smiling as his son stepped forward, eager to use it.

"Sure thing, Mr. Tendo. Right here?"

25 seconds...

"Don't cry, Daddy!"

"Ranma, you may kiss your bride."

10 seconds...

"We've got to get this registered at City Hall before they come out of it!"

"Don't talk, Tendo. RUN!"

The newly married couple continued to kiss.

9 seconds...

8...

7...

6...

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

Ranma's eyes snapped open, and he broke the kiss. He watched in horror as Akane's eyes opened, and she smiled at him.

"Oh, Ranma!"

"Oh boy..."

* * *

Ranma looked from Akane's smiling face to the confused stares of her sisters.

"Um, what's going on here?"

"You two just got married, that's what," Nabiki informed him.

"Oh, no. The PILLS!"

"What pills? asked Kasumi.

"Happosai had a bracelet with love pills. I must've gotten the instant one. Did you see anybody else acting weird?"

"Yeah," replied Nabiki. "Shampoo's great-grandmother was chasing Happosai."

Ranma tried hard to think, which was rather difficult for him with Akane hanging all over him, showering him with kisses.

"That means one of them got the one day pill, and one of them got-" Ranma gulped, unable to continue.

"Got what?" asked Kasumi.

"A lifetime pill," whispered Ranma. "There's no way to know until tomorrow."

"Well that's one problem. The other one is this-my Dad and yours are on their way to City Hall to register your marriage certificate."

Nabiki had barely finished her sentence when Ranma disappeared through one of the holes in the wall, somewhat hampered by his wife, who had a stranglehold on his body.

"Where are we going, Ranma?"

"Leggo of me, willya!" was all the girls could hear before the pair disappeared.

Ranma ran as fast as he could with Akane clinging to him, and soon could see the figures of his father and Akane's some distance ahead. If he could keep up the pace, he would be able to stop them. Then Ranma tripped on Akane's gown, and they tumbled to the ground.

"Akane, cut it out!" cried Ranma as his loving wife grabbed him by the hair and covered his face with kisses. She picked up her head when she heard his words, and tears formed in her eyes.

"Ranma! I thought you loved me!"

Ranma's heart sank as Akane began crying. He didn't know what to do-Akane wouldn't understand him if he told her about the pills, and she'd get even more upset if she knew he was trying to stop their fathers from registering their marriage.

"Aw man! Akane, don't cry! I-um-well-we're out in public! Just come with me, okay?"

* * *

Before Akane could agree or disagree, Ranma grabbed her hand, pulled her to her feet, and began running again. They arrived at City Hall and flew up the stairs. Ranma grabbed one of the clerks, and shook him.

"Where do you register marriages?"

The clerk pointed down the hall, and Ranma dropped him. As the couple disappeared from sight, the man started to chuckle.

"Never saw anybody that eager to get married before!"

"You'll get an official copy mailed to your home in a few days. Thank you for coming in."

"We did it, Saotome!"

Soun began pounding Genma on the back. He was still celebrating when the door was knocked down by the force of Ranma's momentum. Ranma slid on the puddle caused by Soun's tears, and knocked him and Genma to the floor. He and Akane fell on top of them. Ranma pried Akane off of his face long enough to yell at his father.

"Stop! Where's that certificate?"

"Too late, Son. You're married, and you're going to stay married."

The sound of the word "married" was enough to start Akane again.

"Oh, Ranma!"

"Mmmf!"

* * *

Shampoo sat down to rest. Cologne had been chasing Happosai all over the beach, and she had been chasing both of them. Perhaps if she sat still long enough they would run past her and she would be able to stop them. Seconds later, she fell asleep.

* * *

"Look, you gotta understand. If Akane comes out of this tomorrow morning she's gonna kill me!"

"Now, now, Son. Don't be foolish! We're going to go home now, and you two can have a lovely honeymoon!"

Ranma felt the pressure of Akane's arms around him increase several levels at the word "honeymoon". It didn't make him feel any better.

The sight of his father and Akane's family leaving made him feel worse.

"I'll go change now," said Akane to her husband. She kissed his cheek, gave him a loving look that shook him down to his toes, and retreated to the next room.

"She's gonna kill me," Ranma muttered. "If this thing wears off I'm dead."

He considered running away, but the thought of Akane chasing him through the streets wearing her nightgown made him think better of it.

"What do I do?" he asked aloud. Then he noticed something. Cologne had left her bag behind.

Ranma grabbed the bag and began tearing through the contents.

"All right! Sleeping powder!"

"You can come in now!" called Akane. Ranma picked up the tea tray and slid the door open. Then he nearly dropped it. Akane was wearing a nightgown that left very little to the imagination. As he stood there she twirled in a circle.

"Like what you see?"

Ranma couldn't deny it. "Yeah...you look...wonderful." He set the tray down on the floor. "I made us some tea."

Akane kissed Ranma's cheek and sat down beside him. "Thank you." She picked up her cup and took a sip, smiling at him over the rim. "This is good!" She drained the cup and scooted closer to Ranma.

"Let's forget about the tea." Seconds after saying the words, Akane slumped over, sound asleep. Ranma lifted her up and tucked her into their futon. Then he dragged his futon out and put it against the wall.

* * *

Akane opened her eyes late the next morning, and blinked. She was in the room Ranma and his father had rented. Why? And why was Ranma there?

She got out of the futon and looked down at herself. Her scream woke Ranma.

"What, what!"

"What's going on? Why am I here?" Akane grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around herself. "Why am I wearing THIS?"

Ranma plastered himself against the wall. "Promise not to hit me and I'll tell you!"

Akane nodded and sat down. She listened while Ranma explained what had happened with the pills, an incredulous expression on her face.

"We're married?"

"Yeah. My pill wore off a couple of seconds after we stamped the certificate, and I couldn't stop our fathers from registering it at City Hall."

Akane stood, picked up the tea tray and waved it menacingly.

"Tell me the truth, Ranma! You can run faster than the both of them without even trying!"

I AM telling the truth! They had a head start on me, and I couldn't catch up to them with you hanging all over me!"

"I what?"

"You heard me. You were hanging onto me harder than Shampoo EVER did."

Akane thought about what she was wearing, and where she had woken up.

"And we spent the night together?"

"Well, sort of. You slept there, and I slept here."

Akane gulped. The boy she'd been calling a pervert for so long hadn't taken advantage of her while she was under the influence of a love pill. She slowly put the tray back on the floor.

"Why didn't...why didn't you go along with it when I was throwing myself at you?"

"I don't want you to love me like that! I want you to love me because you WANT to! EEP!" Ranma put both hands over his mouth and looked like he wanted to sink into the floor. Akane shuffled over to him, still wrapped in the blanket.

"Does that mean you love me?"

Ranma nodded. Akane just looked at him for a few seconds before putting one hand on his shoulder, while the other still clutched the blanket. She smiled, and rested her cheek against his chest.

"I love you too."

* * *

"I love you too."

Those words sent a shudder of relief through Ranma. The pill had worn off, but Akane's love for him was genuine. He put his arms around his wife and kissed her. Seconds later, the blanket fell to the floor.

Akane broke the kiss and looked at Ranma curiously. "Who got the forever pill?"

Ranma chuckled. "I think Cologne did. I sort of remember her running after Happosai."

"What about Shampoo? She's going to be so mad when she finds out. So will Ukyo, and Kuno, and Ko-"

Akane was silenced by Ranma's kiss.

"We'll worry about that later."

Miles away, an exhausted old man kept running as fast as his tired legs allowed him to. In the distance behind him, he could hear the voice of his pursuer. Sooner or later, he knew that she was going to catch him.

* * *

Comments welcome!


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